Joke of the day

[powerboatr]

thanks that was a good one for sunday night

[BamaSixGun]

Originally Posted by Tx_Atty

Knowing American History



It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the
son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who
said
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the
people, by
the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro,
who
is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The
teacher
glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher,
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "If you say anything
else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra
Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted,
"Duck"!

The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked "Who said
that?

Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"

oh me, my eyes were watering with every line.

[BJS]

The first of many where I'm cleaning out my inbox.

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U- Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor...as the restaurant
may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his
manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private....using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry....and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook.....especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive! Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you...since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; Others might say, "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it
is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance.....such s,
"For a fat broad, ya'll sure don't sweat much."

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit, with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt, can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the
sack.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles......even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle....especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

[BJS]

TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

[BJS]

You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the? purchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish
were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,"
and five guys and two women stand up.

... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck
because, "It ain't never been in a h ole it couldn't get out of."

... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the
church directory.

... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the? logo from) Billy
Bob's Barbecue.

... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a 56 Chevy.

... instead of a bell; you are called to service by a duck call.

... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

... the communion wine is from "Tickled Pink".

... "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back? now, Ya heah".

[BJS]

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically,orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

[BJS]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the Wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ? "

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[BJS]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they
loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and
asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they
could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this
huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she
explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you
stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the
barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the
barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather
had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a
great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out,
but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of
that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow from the farm we
stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night,
go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being
found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her
your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,
buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

[BJS]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they
>loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
>After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
>terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and
>asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they
>could spend the night.
>"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this
>huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she
>explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you
>stay in my house."
>"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the
>barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
>The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the
>barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather
>had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a
>great weekend of skiing.
>But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
>from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out,
>but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of
>that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
>He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you
>remember that good-looking widow from the farm we
>stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"
>"Yes, I do." said Bob
>"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night,
>go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
>"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being
>found out "I have to admit that I did."
>"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her
>your name?"
>Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,
>buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
>"She just died and left me everything."

[BJS]

Last one for today

Hymns By Word Association

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. "Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."

The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."

The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood."

The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.

They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."