Joke of the day

WD40

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AN IRISH WEDDING

At the wedding reception someone yelled...

"Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.
 

WD40

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Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
 

WD40

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AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
 

WD40

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94% of all Dodge Cummins trucks from1992 through 2012 are still on the road today..... The other 6% made it home.....
 

Dogman

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Two 90-year-old women

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, 'Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school.

Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, 'Betty, you've been my best friend for many years.

If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Betty, Betty.'

'Who is it', asked Betty, sitting up suddenly.

'Who is it?'

'Betty, it's me, Bertha.'

'You're not Bertha. Bertha just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Bertha,' insisted the voice.

'Bertha! Where are you?'

'In heaven,' replied Bertha.


'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Betty.

'The good news,' Bertha said, 'is that there's women's softball in heaven.

Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too.

Even better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always springtime and the weather is mild all the time.

And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Betty.


'It's beyond my wildest dreams!

So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'
 

02SilverStroke

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I mentioned to my supervisor today that we were "busier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs". He replied that we were busier than a termite on a yo-yo. I never had heard that one before.
 

JLDickmon

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Hillary, Bernie, The Donald, Ted & Marco all walk into a bar..

the ER physician gave them an average of four stitches in their heads..
 

JLDickmon

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what did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?

.

.

.

.

.

"Where's my tractor?"
 

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