powerboatr
living well in Texas
ouch
joke time
- Thread starter powerboatr
- Start date
drchris1024
SDD Security
A cabbie stops to pick up a Nun. She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at
her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: Couple of conditions #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes! I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned." the cabbie says, "I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
-popcorn
her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: Couple of conditions #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes! I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned." the cabbie says, "I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
-popcorn
powerboatr
living well in Texas
powerboatr
living well in Texas
I borrowed this from forumblue over at socaps
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Low and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to start up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She smiled and said," Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this Convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of The popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best Potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm Sorry," she said, I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Low and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to start up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She smiled and said," Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this Convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of The popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best Potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm Sorry," she said, I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
94f450sd
certified nutjob
im borrowing a few from another website i frequent
THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at
the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
"Who's been eating
my porridge?!!", he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big
chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!,"he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from
the kitchen and yells, "For shit sake,
how many times do I have to go through
this with you idiots?
It was Momma Bear who got up first,
it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,
it was Momma Bear who made the coffee,
it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,
It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold
early morning air to fetch the newspaper,
it was Momma Bear who set the damn table,
it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out,
cleaned the litter box,
and filled the cat's water and food dish,
and, now that you've decided to
drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence,
listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F**KIN PORRIDGE YET !!"
THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at
the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
"Who's been eating
my porridge?!!", he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big
chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!,"he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from
the kitchen and yells, "For shit sake,
how many times do I have to go through
this with you idiots?
It was Momma Bear who got up first,
it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,
it was Momma Bear who made the coffee,
it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,
It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold
early morning air to fetch the newspaper,
it was Momma Bear who set the damn table,
it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out,
cleaned the litter box,
and filled the cat's water and food dish,
and, now that you've decided to
drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence,
listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F**KIN PORRIDGE YET !!"
94f450sd
certified nutjob
A young boy, about 12, answered a knock at the door.
"Is yer paw home?" a farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with pa."
"How about your brother, Howard. Is he here?"
"He went with ma and pa."
The farmer stood there for a minute, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered this for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
"Is yer paw home?" a farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with pa."
"How about your brother, Howard. Is he here?"
"He went with ma and pa."
The farmer stood there for a minute, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered this for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
94f450sd
certified nutjob
THE BATHTUB
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized. Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we
offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub." Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized. Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we
offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub." Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?
94f450sd
certified nutjob
94f450sd
certified nutjob
AN INTRECEPTED INTERNAL MEMO FROM A MAJOR MOTOR CLUB
NEW COMPANY POLICY
Dear Employees:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate manager.
Your manager is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Da Management
*.*.*.
NEW COMPANY POLICY
Dear Employees:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate manager.
Your manager is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Da Management
*.*.*.
94f450sd
certified nutjob
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."
