Joke of the day

[Whata250]

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife
is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take
extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon,
Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices
such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the
bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case
of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear
activity.
People should be able to recognize the difference
between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries
and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and
smell like pepper spray.

 

[W4RLR]

A new twist on Sinatra for you frequent flyers (MATURE SUBJECT MATTER)

Strangers On My Flight

 

[bad_bad_bubba]

Strangers On My Flight

Whats wrong with that. Its a good song.

 

[W4RLR]

Whats wrong with that. Its a good song.

Some of the younger set that visit this forum might not need to be exposed to some of the lyrics. CHPMustang's young ones read along with daddy sometimes.

 

[architect-builder]

Tickle Me Elmo

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Seattle which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports
for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind
schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so
the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle
Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning
to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by
mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to
carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes
of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

 

[Scarlet_Nape]

Ocean Life

Out of the mouth of babes:


1) This is a picture of an octopus.
It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an
Island. If you don't have sea all round
you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big
teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's
not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an ******* on
the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots,
and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the
trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes,
when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother
said they would have been better off eating
beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I
like their shiny tails. And how on earth do
mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby
brother is always screaming and being sick,
my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think
what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting.
Electric eels can give you a shock. They have
to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very
cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under
the water. Two divers can't go down alone,
so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She
fell off when she was going very fast. She
says she won't do it again because water
fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

 

[02SilverStroke]

RE: Tickle Me Elmo: I've seen that before and it's still good.

 

[dboyw]

Water & Wine Education

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each
day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we
are consuming 1 kilo of Poo. However, we do not run that risk when
drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol
has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and
fermenting.
WATER = POO
WINE = HEALTH
It is better to drink wine and talk sh*t than to drink water and be full
of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing
it as a public service.

 

[dboyw]

Quickie #1

One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went fishing.



Quickie #2

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "That's GREAT! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get all your things and get out."



Quickie #3

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.



Quickie #4

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,
of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card
with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."



Quickie #5

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell
you all something." We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."



Quickie #6

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her
husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! You're cooking too
many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your
mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use
the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving."



Quickie #7

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That
afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the
Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been
looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

[dboyw]

History of the Middle Finger
Well, now...here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I
feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that
they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something
about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers.

Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned
English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the
future.

This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the
act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and
began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant
cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to libidinal fricative F',
and thus the words often used in conjunction with the on e-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the
longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing