joke time

[94f450sd]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."


The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.


The alien repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response.


The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"


The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!" but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.


There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so dangerous?"


"If there's one thing I've learned during all my travels through the galaxy," the other alien answered, "it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't f**k with him!"

 

[94f450sd]

last one for now

There is a factory which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.


A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8 a.m.


At 8:45 a.m. there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.


At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.


The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.


The Personnel Manager suddenly bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics and tears from laughter streaming down his face, he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.


"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

 

[powerboatr]

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."

 

[JohnBoyToo]

Since my sweetie is "blondeish",
thought I had used all the blonde jokes there were:
****************************
Two Blondes

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the Girl who plants the trees called in sick."

 

[whatabudro]

A couple is having breakfast the day after their 50th wedding anniversary.

The man is sitting at the table waiting for his plate.

She brings him his breakfast and says "Honey you remember what we were doing 50 years ago today?"

He says "Yep we were eatin breakfast necked"

She says "Wanna try it again?"

He says "Ah heck, why not" and starts takin his clothes off.

She fixes her plate after getting undressed too.

A few moments after she sits down she says. "Honey my nipples are just as hot as they were 50 years ago!"

He says "DAMN they otta be ones in you coffee and the other in your oatmeal!"

 

[powerboatr]

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Late one dark and rainy night a man was walking home alone when he hears ...


BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP... behind him.




Walking faster he looks back,
and makes out the image of an upright
coffin banging its way down the middle
of the street towards him.



BUMP...




BUMP...



BUMP...




Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home,
the coffin bouncing quickly behind him .....


faster...


faster...


BUMP...


BUMP....


BUMP.



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys,
opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the
door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his
door, with the lid of the coffin clapping .....


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on the heels of the terrified man....
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is
coming in sobbing gasps.


With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the
door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for
something heavy, anything ...

His hand comes to rest on a large bottle of
ROBITUSSIN .


Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as
hard as he can at the apparition,



and...




the coffin stops.

 

[DaveBen]

I liked that one. One of the better ones that I have seen this year.

Dave

 

[CoryNM]

ENJOY!!
_________

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about
an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back
office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"


(You're going to love this)


The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?) Come on now, you
grinned, I know you did!!

 

[powerboatr]

 

[Hoss 350]

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Grinned!

That's funny right thar, I don't care who y'ar!